I'm sorry. I've tried to answer the comments but somehow I just can't bring myself to it.. I've started. Replied half way through and then deleted the whole shit because I started feeling too anxious about it. So please, forgive me. I'm trying and failing.

Trying and failing.
That's the thing of today, I suppose.
I feel empty again and I'm starting to get sick of this feeling. My chest hurts and it's hard to breathe again. But the pain in my chest is the worst of the two. I can't make it stop, it just hammers there like trying to break through my bones. Hurts.

I'm tired. I want to see friends and yet I want to be alone.
I don't know what I want.
That's pretty much it.
My mind's a mess.

Oops. I think I did it again. 

Oops. I guess they're bleeding again. 

But what can you do when you never get wiser. 

I suppose I'm just not wearing a skirt tomorrow. 

worthless

If the goal of your life is to make me feel depressed an suicidal you're working pretty bloody well on that.. I can't even find myself capable of being angry anymore. I just feel like curling up into a tighter ball to the corner and crying a bit more as if I didn't feel pathetic enough already. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of trying to please you or trying to find the way you want things done. My mental health just can't take it anymore. To be honest, I don't know what it could take.. because I just feel like everything I do is shit and nothing will ever be good enough. That's why I stopped trying. Because I've just realized that I'll never make it. I get disappointed anyway. I get shouted at anyway. Why should I try? There's nothing to motivate me to try anymore. I rather get shouted at of things that I haven't done than of something that I've tried to do.

When I woke up today, I felt quite good. For the longest time I actually felt alive. I felt like I could do this. I planned on baking a cake for Mother's Day on Sunday. Planned on baking tomorrow.
And now? I just pretty much feel like crying. I made a pancake batter and that's about it. Cleaned after myself everything I had used, emptied the dishwasher and put the dirty plates and such there. All I got was a mocking comment from my dad about some dishes that hadn't been done yet.
Somehow I just lost all my interest to bake anything ever again.

I just want to wrap up into a blanket and stay in my own little bubble. I've been hiding in my room, crying, and hoping that no one will come here. I don't think I could handle that today. I'm not sure if I could handle that even tomorrow.
Apparently dad's having a day off tomorrow. I'll go to the library. I'm not staying home. No fucking way.

I want to write but I can't. I just can't. I don't know what to say.
I'm feeling so silly again.
In the best possible way.
Oh the best possible way~

How can something so small feel so good.
Can we do it again?
Please.
Will you allow me to do it again?
If I ask nicely.

Paranoia, my old friend, I wondered when will we meet again

Today has been clearly better than what yesterday ever was. I've felt somewhat energetic during the whole day and even got some things done and yada yada yaa, oh how interesting.
It wasn't before now, in the evening, when the weird paranoia stroke back again. I don't even know exactly why I'm so paranoid about it or what is it exactly what I am so paranoid about but oh dear me isn't this driving me insane. Well, I suppose and hope that this is one of those things that will pass as I'll get some sleeping done again.

I also have a great craving for a relationship. It hasn't been this bad in ages. Now I just want a girlfriend. Like... right now. Please?

I don't think I have anything else to say.

isolated system

It's been one of those days.
I felt horrible when I woke up. I should be already wise enough to know that I shouldn't get out of bed at all on days like this. It never ends well. I should just stay under the blanket and hide from the whole world on days like this. But unfortunately that just doesn't seem possible. Just how much I wish I lived by myself and could just refuse doing anything on days like this... I think it would really help. To just eat chocolate and watch tv and stay hidden under the blanket, away from the real world and its problems.

I've felt anxious for most of the day. In the evening I was tired and feeling like shit, ended up being moody and getting my dad pissed at me. I couldn't have cared less. Inside my head it was just such a mess, the anxiousness just kept getting worse and worse and when I finally got alone to my room, I just started crying. I think I've been crying again for about an hour or so today. My eyes hurt again, sting from all the crying.

The worst thing is maybe that I just don't seem to have any particular cause for all this. I'm just generally speaking feeling like a massive loser and nothing I do is good enough. Hooray.
I thought that the worst part would be over because the winter is finally turning into spring and the sun is starting to shine again but oh no, it just seems that it's getting worse. Hip-hip-fucking-hooray. For the most of the day I've been just fighting the urge to cut and I'm so proud of myself to be able to now sit here and write this, saying that I didn't do it. At least one thing I can be pleased about....

Also, as an ending note I could just spill my mind about the fact that mum wants me to book an appointment to the health center. I've been having these weird feelings of terrible dizziness from time to time and mum thinks I should go and see a doctor about it. I really don't want to. I hate doctors... Let's see just how long I can keep avoiding this one...

NOT helping

No, it really doesn't help me that you keep asking time after time if I've read today, when I'm going to read or am I going to read tomorrow. I. Does. Not. Help. At. All. It just makes me even more anxious and depressed and to be honest, you're just making it worse. It's not like I don't know already that I should be reading fucking 30 hours a day.

3 days, 30 years, so hopeless, it doesn't matter

hang on when you're barely breathing,
hang on when your heart's still breathing
hang on
just don't ever let go
             Hang On - Plumb

I'm so tired of being this way. I've told myself so many times to get a grip, move on and start behaving. It just doesn't seem to help. I'm tired and would just like to sleep forever. I can't seem to get excited about anything and anything I do just makes me more anxious than what I was before. I always end up falling back here.
It sucks.
I want it to stop.

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut

I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die
But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside
         Cut - Plumb