And once again I just don't know what to do, how to sit or even how to put on that smile. For a moment I'm just totally lost.
What am I doing here again?

I don't dream

Today has felt unreal. It's probably because I didn't really sleep last night. Or couldn't sleep. Or I don't really know about that either, maybe I could have but I just didn't feel tired at all. Today I did. It felt like I was sleepwalking through the whole day. The hyper-ish phases, then the just purely laggy phases and then the phases when I just wanted to curl up next to someone and fall asleep.

I miss being in love. Or, to be more precise, I miss being loved.
I really wish there was someone for me too.

I'd be waking up, in the morning probably hating myself
And i'd be waking up, feeling satisfied but guilty as hell

Maroon5 - One More Night

Everyone wants answers but who knows the questions?

Do this, do that, decide this and decide that.Why does everything have to be so bloody complicated all the time? Why there has to be so many absolutely unnecessary things we have to do just because 'well, that's how we're supposed to do'. I hate it. I hate all this meaningless crap everyone's giving us about every possible thing imaginable. No answer is good enough and whatever you say you'll get questioned. Just let me do my own choices okay?

You told us to get in contact if we felt stressed out or anxious. I almost about to burst out laughing. Stress? Anxiousness? Yes, I've been feeling those for the past three years daily, drawn red marks on my skin and cried myself to sleep more than once. And did you notice? Thought so. So how about cutting off that bullshit. It almost annoys me. Every time adults say something like that, it annoys me. The fact is that I don't need anyone taking me by hand and telling me " it's going to be okay " or " you should try to relax " because really, if you had ever been in this situation, you would know that it's not that simple. Do you actually think I wouldn't try my best? Yeah. Because feeling nauseous and dizzy all the time and crying over grades that are perfectly fine is so much fun. As is getting anxious about every possible little thing like being late from the bus. Because that is a perfectly good reason to start crying uncontrollably and wanna jump in front of the next passing car. Yup. I love it. It's just fantastic.
Thank god it hasn't been that bad yet this year. Though last... Thursday I think it was, I did have a nice mental break down because of the English finals. I still feel like I know absolutely nothing. But today I'm feeling too tired to care about it really. I'm afraid that I've just lost all hope already.


But.. there have been good things too today. But they are difficult to remember right now when my back is just hurting like hell and the time is god-knows-what and I should definitely be sleeping. But I'm not sleeping and I don't think I will be sleeping before it's 3A.M or more. Stupid me. But I just don't feel like going to bed. At all. Because that means that tomorrow comes inevitably. And I don't want it,

Hello my dear, kill me gently

I thought I should make some sort of post to introduce myself.
I actually won't.
I'm just going to say that you read this at your own risk.
I won't promise you a happy little story because life most certainly doesn't tend to be one.