Paranoia, my old friend, I wondered when will we meet again

Today has been clearly better than what yesterday ever was. I've felt somewhat energetic during the whole day and even got some things done and yada yada yaa, oh how interesting.
It wasn't before now, in the evening, when the weird paranoia stroke back again. I don't even know exactly why I'm so paranoid about it or what is it exactly what I am so paranoid about but oh dear me isn't this driving me insane. Well, I suppose and hope that this is one of those things that will pass as I'll get some sleeping done again.

I also have a great craving for a relationship. It hasn't been this bad in ages. Now I just want a girlfriend. Like... right now. Please?

I don't think I have anything else to say.

isolated system

It's been one of those days.
I felt horrible when I woke up. I should be already wise enough to know that I shouldn't get out of bed at all on days like this. It never ends well. I should just stay under the blanket and hide from the whole world on days like this. But unfortunately that just doesn't seem possible. Just how much I wish I lived by myself and could just refuse doing anything on days like this... I think it would really help. To just eat chocolate and watch tv and stay hidden under the blanket, away from the real world and its problems.

I've felt anxious for most of the day. In the evening I was tired and feeling like shit, ended up being moody and getting my dad pissed at me. I couldn't have cared less. Inside my head it was just such a mess, the anxiousness just kept getting worse and worse and when I finally got alone to my room, I just started crying. I think I've been crying again for about an hour or so today. My eyes hurt again, sting from all the crying.

The worst thing is maybe that I just don't seem to have any particular cause for all this. I'm just generally speaking feeling like a massive loser and nothing I do is good enough. Hooray.
I thought that the worst part would be over because the winter is finally turning into spring and the sun is starting to shine again but oh no, it just seems that it's getting worse. Hip-hip-fucking-hooray. For the most of the day I've been just fighting the urge to cut and I'm so proud of myself to be able to now sit here and write this, saying that I didn't do it. At least one thing I can be pleased about....

Also, as an ending note I could just spill my mind about the fact that mum wants me to book an appointment to the health center. I've been having these weird feelings of terrible dizziness from time to time and mum thinks I should go and see a doctor about it. I really don't want to. I hate doctors... Let's see just how long I can keep avoiding this one...

NOT helping

No, it really doesn't help me that you keep asking time after time if I've read today, when I'm going to read or am I going to read tomorrow. I. Does. Not. Help. At. All. It just makes me even more anxious and depressed and to be honest, you're just making it worse. It's not like I don't know already that I should be reading fucking 30 hours a day.

3 days, 30 years, so hopeless, it doesn't matter

hang on when you're barely breathing,
hang on when your heart's still breathing
hang on
just don't ever let go
             Hang On - Plumb

I'm so tired of being this way. I've told myself so many times to get a grip, move on and start behaving. It just doesn't seem to help. I'm tired and would just like to sleep forever. I can't seem to get excited about anything and anything I do just makes me more anxious than what I was before. I always end up falling back here.
It sucks.
I want it to stop.

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut

I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die
But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside
         Cut - Plumb

I don't know

I really don't know.
I wish I did but I don't.

I've felt more or less horrible for the past.. 3, maybe 4 weeks. I thought it'd get easier when the final exams were over but it didn't. I think it's getting even worse. I keep repeating every mistake I made in those exams in my head, I keep blaming myself for now having prepared enough. And then I feel just empty. All empty. Before I start feeling horrible again. And then comes the crying.
I don't feel much of a worthy human being anymore.

I did the BDI test again today.  I got a score of 27. Suggests that I have symptoms of severe depression.
I don't know.
I feel like talking to someone but then again, what would I say? "Hey, this is me. I feel ugly and worthless and inside my head there's just a big bunch of thoughts waiting to make me cry when I get back home from here." Sounds ridiculous. How could I ever tell someone how I actually feel? I'd only end up feeling stupid. There are people with actual problems out there. I should get a grip.

I'm tired. Like I've been for the past 4 weeks. And it just won't go away.
I want to sleep forever.