isolated system

It's been one of those days.
I felt horrible when I woke up. I should be already wise enough to know that I shouldn't get out of bed at all on days like this. It never ends well. I should just stay under the blanket and hide from the whole world on days like this. But unfortunately that just doesn't seem possible. Just how much I wish I lived by myself and could just refuse doing anything on days like this... I think it would really help. To just eat chocolate and watch tv and stay hidden under the blanket, away from the real world and its problems.

I've felt anxious for most of the day. In the evening I was tired and feeling like shit, ended up being moody and getting my dad pissed at me. I couldn't have cared less. Inside my head it was just such a mess, the anxiousness just kept getting worse and worse and when I finally got alone to my room, I just started crying. I think I've been crying again for about an hour or so today. My eyes hurt again, sting from all the crying.

The worst thing is maybe that I just don't seem to have any particular cause for all this. I'm just generally speaking feeling like a massive loser and nothing I do is good enough. Hooray.
I thought that the worst part would be over because the winter is finally turning into spring and the sun is starting to shine again but oh no, it just seems that it's getting worse. Hip-hip-fucking-hooray. For the most of the day I've been just fighting the urge to cut and I'm so proud of myself to be able to now sit here and write this, saying that I didn't do it. At least one thing I can be pleased about....

Also, as an ending note I could just spill my mind about the fact that mum wants me to book an appointment to the health center. I've been having these weird feelings of terrible dizziness from time to time and mum thinks I should go and see a doctor about it. I really don't want to. I hate doctors... Let's see just how long I can keep avoiding this one...