It actually eased for a moment. For a tiny moment. But now I feel like crying again.
There's something wrong with my head.
I just want to sleep and not wake up.
At least not to something like this.

And that's how depression hits - you wake up one morning, afraid that you're going to live.

On the sidenote - I've started to get really anxious about the surgery. Just thinking about it makes me want to throw up.

They say the pain just tells that you're alive

At the moment I don't feel like being alive. I'm in a gray bubble in which I feel I'm suffocating in. Mostly everything just hurts. There's a massive pain in ny chest. Like someone drilled a hole through it. I guess somewhere around there where my heart should be is just a black hole. It's hurting too. I hate it how the mental anxiety just slowly turns into pain. I wouldn't mind it if it just made the anxiety disappear. But it doesn't. So my chest hurts and my thoughts are eating me alive.

I was actually holding back tears when walking in to the maths' class. Because suddenly I just felt like crying. I felt like wanting to disappear. I still do. Right now I just feel like there's no need for me to be here, I just feel like I'm meaningless. It's not about me doubting that my friends and loved ones wouldn't care for me... it's more like the pain of knowing that there's nothing I can give them. So why can't I just disappear?

Cheer up, they say. Smile, they say. It will get better, they say.
And I just can't help thinking that what if it won't? What if this time it won't?

I'm just tired and want to cry because of my meaninglessness.

Ignorant people, can you please just like.. stop breathing?

Okay. I don’t really get pissed off easily but now you’ve totally done it. And no, I’m not making a fucking cut for this because I really don’t think I need to.


Since some people do seem to have a total lack of common sense or any kind of sense at all in the first place, let’s just write this out so that even the idiots can understand it;


I do not give a shit if this is roleplay or whatnot but there are things that just go way over that invisible line of what’s okay and what’s not. Do you have any idea what your texts might cause? There is a person behind the screen too, you know.


If you have nothing nice to say and will only insult, how about shutting your mouth?


Seriously, use your brain or do the world a favor and go jump off a cliff.


And yes, I am really pissed off at the moment, in case someone didn’t quite catch it yet.