At the moment I don't feel like being alive. I'm in a gray bubble in which I feel I'm suffocating in. Mostly everything just hurts. There's a massive pain in ny chest. Like someone drilled a hole through it. I guess somewhere around there where my heart should be is just a black hole. It's hurting too. I hate it how the mental anxiety just slowly turns into pain. I wouldn't mind it if it just made the anxiety disappear. But it doesn't. So my chest hurts and my thoughts are eating me alive.
I was actually holding back tears when walking in to the maths' class. Because suddenly I just felt like crying. I felt like wanting to disappear. I still do. Right now I just feel like there's no need for me to be here, I just feel like I'm meaningless. It's not about me doubting that my friends and loved ones wouldn't care for me... it's more like the pain of knowing that there's nothing I can give them. So why can't I just disappear?
Cheer up, they say. Smile, they say. It will get better, they say.
And I just can't help thinking that what if it won't? What if this time it won't?
I'm just tired and want to cry because of my meaninglessness.
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