Not alone

When you start having that feeling that you just saw something move from the corner of your eye.
When you start having that feeling that you're not alone.
That's when you don't know whether to laugh or cry anymore.

Paranoia is in bloom tonight.

For once this way around

I'm not going to write anything long or deep this time, maybe later today, in the evening then.
I've been reading and studying. And reading and studying a bit more. Now I'm sitting on my bed, with my laptop on my lap and not feeling sleepy the least bit. It's almost 4A.M. I've felt dead exhausted for the past couple of days. And yet I'm now awake. I don't know what I'm trying to prove with this. Maybe just the fact that there's something seriously wrong with my head tonight.

But what I was actually going to write a note about is the fact that I went to the gym yesterday (or well, practically the day before yesterday but who cares). It might not sound like anything big to you but as someone who hasn't properly had any sports hobby ever, this was a big step. After sweating for 60 minutes, dancing like mad, I felt good. I felt really good. And for the first time in ages I felt that actually I could be thin, pretty and beautiful. I am going to be. And I am happy.
Because I know there's something I can do about it.
Because I know there's something I will do about it.
Because for once I feel that I have actually chances.

Prettier, thinner, better life. Here I come (I hope).

A boyish notion of false emotion, these words are spoken, despite my love

Last night we spoke about relationships with my parents. They started saying that it's so weird that I haven't had a single proper relationship in my whole life. Oh well, actually they're wrong. I've had. I've had a relationship of almost a year of which my parents knew nothing about, nor do they know about it even now. Why? Because I dated a girl. [yes, this is the part where you can be very shocked and scream out aloud what sort of a terrible human being I am, click the unfollow-button and yeah] They said that I haven't even tried getting myself a relationship. Told that it's not like some prince is just going to come to my door and like magic I have the wonderful, most perfect relationship ever. I know. I know it isn't like that. And it hurt me so much not to be able to say even now that I've actually tried it. I've actually tried and loved and it broke my heart.

I told them I don't want a relationship just for the sake of it. Their answer was "well, with that attitude you're never going to get one". Is it really too much to ask if I say that I want to love the person I'm in a relationship with? That I want it to feel right from the first moment to the last one? The girl I dated, I had loved for over a year before we started actually going out. It felt right, it still does to me - only that it doesn't anymore to her. Is it too much to ask if I say that I want to find someone else like that? Why is it so important to just have someone by your side? I'm fine by myself. I have been to this point so why wouldn't I be from now on too? I don't understand. And it hurts me.

It's not like relationship would be my number one priority at the moment. I told this to them too. They said that I should think about the fact that I will certainly want family and kids in the future. In the future, yes, but why should it mean that I have to get a boyfriend at this instant moment? They just almost gave me the impression that I should get a boyfriend with whatever costs. It doesn't seem to apparently matter if I actually love him or not, if I feel attached to him or not, the main point is just to have a boyfriend. Because not having one, being like me, is just unnatural.

So.. they want me to get a boyfriend. To me they gave an impression that I'm some sort of a failure for not having one. And I feel like crying. Because it's not like I don't want a relationship. I do. I really much do. But I don't want a relationship for the sake of it. I want love.

Why is it so complicated?

Why can't they just understand...

None of them have no idea how many nights I spent crying when I realized that I loved that girl I talked about earlier. Because I was so upset. So upset about the fact that I loved a girl, that I had fell in love with a girl. And just how long did I pray, beg and cry that someone would take that feeling away from me. And yet no one did. And I was miserable. For a long time. But they will never know that.

And the worst part for me at the moment? I'm afraid that I will never find that boyfriend they are so much dreaming about.

Sometimes I wish I was what most people call normal or 'mainstream'.

Maybe it would be easier that way.

Too much love?

I don't know if there can be too much love or affection.
But tonight, I'm just out of words.
Absolutely out of words.

You little darling things make me cry and want to hug you so much.
I just don't know what to say.
Thank you.
Thank you so very much.
♡

Write your feelings away

I've been writing quite a bit today, as sort of "commissions" to other people. It was quite nice. Though I just still can't get over this writer's block of mine...
But, I thought I could dump these here too.

Just a cup of tea

She woke up moaning quietly. The scars from yesterday still burned on her skin, the red marks that ran on her body sting and made her make a face as she climbed out of her bed. A quick look to the mirror. She was still naked. The memories from last night made her smile, close her eyes and let her fingers run through her coffee brown hair, flash a dashing smile to her reflection before she tiptoed to the kitchen.

Empty.

All empty.

She was alone.

She didn’t want to admit that it was a light sting of disappointment in her chest that hurt. No. It was just because of the bruises. Bruises hurt. Feelings didn’t.

The tea was still hot when she poured it down to the flowery tea cup, a couple of drops sliding down the side of the cup and staining the white tablecloth – she was too tired to care. The tea. It was Lady Gray. She let out an amused snort. Of course.  The freshly baked cinnamon buns she had smelled even before she had set a foot in the kitchen. They were still warm too. It couldn’t have been long ago since the other one had left. And she massaged her temples and tried to assure herself that the little pain in her chest didn’t have anything to do with disappointment. She was used to lying to herself. But this was different. It was difficult.

After the fourth cup of tea and the fifth cinnamon bun she was crying.

Yet admitting nothing.

I still don't feel like writing bit I do anyway. I don't even know why. I'm in the middle of a maths class and should study. I don't feel like doing that either. The morning started in a sort of a misty, empty state and now it has gotten even worse. I shouldn't have looked up those results. And yet I did. Well at least I didn't burst into tears right at the spot. I'll save that for the evening.
I'm not even wearing a long sleeved shirt today. It sucks. Everything sucks right now.
At the moment there's nothing in the whole goddamn universe that would cheer me up.

What doesn't kill you makes you want to wish it did

The title describes this day way too well. It's been hell from the morning to the evening and if I thought that the English test was the worst one - oh god, I couldn't have been more wrong. I just sort of want to go to bed and sleep this all away but then again I just don't think it will help. I'm afraid of what my dreams will bring with them because I bet they don't have any nice surprises in store for me. Then again, being awake just doesn't feel good either really. Can you see my problem?

I don't really even want to talk about the exam. It was just horrible and right now I feel just so down because of it. I felt just empty and unreal after I left. I've just felt empty and unreal for the whole day. It just feels as if none of this is actually happening to me. That it must be someone else's life I'm merely watching. But no, it's mine. And yet it doesn't feel like mine at all.

I don't actually even really feel like writing now. I just can't. The words don't come out as they should and that  just increases my anxiousness. So I'll stop here for today. Just wondering why. Why, why, why, why.

" I cried every night, which was shameful
I even tried to forget you because it was so hard
But I still think about you.
I'm still so lonely...  "
» the GazettE - 七月八日

When tomorrow comes too fast

In the morning. The exams. I'm terrified.
I think I should go and try to catch some sleep but the whole idea is just making me feel sick. Well to be honest I've been feeling sick for the most of the evening. I've been crying and wanting to throw up for most of the time and this just isn't nice.
And then I suddenly feel calm again.
Just so that I could feel absolutely horrible the next second.
I just wish my body didn't respond like this to all stressful situations or things that make me nervous.

But I guess I'll go to bed now. And probably update a big rambling tomorrow after the exam.
Wish me luck.

Feelings - I'd have some spare if you want

Feelings. Such stupid, wonderful and distressingly complicated things. When everything seems to fall down, feelings are the first ones to betray you. At least that's the case with me.
I caught myself thinking about my own feelings again today. And yes, it may sound stupid and dull but actually these sort of thinking-sessions are rather good for me usually. Usually. Today it just wasn't so. I feel like my feelings are a mess - which isn't really uncommon but rather annoying to realize anyway - and at the moment they are a mess where there are some emotions that just strike out stronger than others. For a while now mine has been a great, miserable regret. And you can only imagine how it feels.
I bet I'm not the only one if I said that I wanted a button to turn my feelings off from time to time? Today they've only gotten me to feel sick most of the time - to the point where right now, just before going to bed I'm at the edge of just crying.

Paranoia has also been my friend today. But more about that some other time since I bet it'll be keeping me company for quite a while again.

And before I finish this utterly useless text I'd just like to share one more thing.
Last Friday night I fell asleep holding hands with a darling thing. And I haven't felt that happy for quite a while. Thank you for that darling. You really made me smile from the bottom of my heart.