It actually eased for a moment. For a tiny moment. But now I feel like crying again.
There's something wrong with my head.
I just want to sleep and not wake up.
At least not to something like this.

And that's how depression hits - you wake up one morning, afraid that you're going to live.

On the sidenote - I've started to get really anxious about the surgery. Just thinking about it makes me want to throw up.

They say the pain just tells that you're alive

At the moment I don't feel like being alive. I'm in a gray bubble in which I feel I'm suffocating in. Mostly everything just hurts. There's a massive pain in ny chest. Like someone drilled a hole through it. I guess somewhere around there where my heart should be is just a black hole. It's hurting too. I hate it how the mental anxiety just slowly turns into pain. I wouldn't mind it if it just made the anxiety disappear. But it doesn't. So my chest hurts and my thoughts are eating me alive.

I was actually holding back tears when walking in to the maths' class. Because suddenly I just felt like crying. I felt like wanting to disappear. I still do. Right now I just feel like there's no need for me to be here, I just feel like I'm meaningless. It's not about me doubting that my friends and loved ones wouldn't care for me... it's more like the pain of knowing that there's nothing I can give them. So why can't I just disappear?

Cheer up, they say. Smile, they say. It will get better, they say.
And I just can't help thinking that what if it won't? What if this time it won't?

I'm just tired and want to cry because of my meaninglessness.

Ignorant people, can you please just like.. stop breathing?

Okay. I don’t really get pissed off easily but now you’ve totally done it. And no, I’m not making a fucking cut for this because I really don’t think I need to.


Since some people do seem to have a total lack of common sense or any kind of sense at all in the first place, let’s just write this out so that even the idiots can understand it;


I do not give a shit if this is roleplay or whatnot but there are things that just go way over that invisible line of what’s okay and what’s not. Do you have any idea what your texts might cause? There is a person behind the screen too, you know.


If you have nothing nice to say and will only insult, how about shutting your mouth?


Seriously, use your brain or do the world a favor and go jump off a cliff.


And yes, I am really pissed off at the moment, in case someone didn’t quite catch it yet.

kamikaze [love]

I think there's something wrong with my emotions.
I think I'm falling.
It's weird. Because I though no one but her could make me smile like an idiot.
I feel like an idiot.
I haven't even met the person and still every text I get just lights up a horribly idiotic grin to my face. Because every time I read those texts it feels... I don't even know how it feels. I just know it makes me smile. It makes me feel like a total idiot, really. Because feeling like this is stupid, idiotic and absolutely pathetic. Mostly pathetic. But it's not like I can help it. And that's even worse.
I'm a pathetic, pathetic human being.

Where's the button to switch off my emotions?
Because I would definitely need it right now.

What I'd also need is some money.
This is stupid.

And at some point it just starts feeling unreal

It was a happy day. I was so happy. The world was supposed to be happy.
How many minutes had you managed to be at home?
Two? Three? Maybe four?

It hurts, worse than before. I guess it is worse than before.
Even though I promissed myself not to do it ever again.
Usually it doesn't sting until the morning. This one hurts already.

I want to talk but don't know whom to. I don't want to upset anyone.  And the ones it wouldn't upset, wouldn't understand. I just wish I could really show you how it feels...

Not alone

When you start having that feeling that you just saw something move from the corner of your eye.
When you start having that feeling that you're not alone.
That's when you don't know whether to laugh or cry anymore.

Paranoia is in bloom tonight.

For once this way around

I'm not going to write anything long or deep this time, maybe later today, in the evening then.
I've been reading and studying. And reading and studying a bit more. Now I'm sitting on my bed, with my laptop on my lap and not feeling sleepy the least bit. It's almost 4A.M. I've felt dead exhausted for the past couple of days. And yet I'm now awake. I don't know what I'm trying to prove with this. Maybe just the fact that there's something seriously wrong with my head tonight.

But what I was actually going to write a note about is the fact that I went to the gym yesterday (or well, practically the day before yesterday but who cares). It might not sound like anything big to you but as someone who hasn't properly had any sports hobby ever, this was a big step. After sweating for 60 minutes, dancing like mad, I felt good. I felt really good. And for the first time in ages I felt that actually I could be thin, pretty and beautiful. I am going to be. And I am happy.
Because I know there's something I can do about it.
Because I know there's something I will do about it.
Because for once I feel that I have actually chances.

Prettier, thinner, better life. Here I come (I hope).

A boyish notion of false emotion, these words are spoken, despite my love

Last night we spoke about relationships with my parents. They started saying that it's so weird that I haven't had a single proper relationship in my whole life. Oh well, actually they're wrong. I've had. I've had a relationship of almost a year of which my parents knew nothing about, nor do they know about it even now. Why? Because I dated a girl. [yes, this is the part where you can be very shocked and scream out aloud what sort of a terrible human being I am, click the unfollow-button and yeah] They said that I haven't even tried getting myself a relationship. Told that it's not like some prince is just going to come to my door and like magic I have the wonderful, most perfect relationship ever. I know. I know it isn't like that. And it hurt me so much not to be able to say even now that I've actually tried it. I've actually tried and loved and it broke my heart.

I told them I don't want a relationship just for the sake of it. Their answer was "well, with that attitude you're never going to get one". Is it really too much to ask if I say that I want to love the person I'm in a relationship with? That I want it to feel right from the first moment to the last one? The girl I dated, I had loved for over a year before we started actually going out. It felt right, it still does to me - only that it doesn't anymore to her. Is it too much to ask if I say that I want to find someone else like that? Why is it so important to just have someone by your side? I'm fine by myself. I have been to this point so why wouldn't I be from now on too? I don't understand. And it hurts me.

It's not like relationship would be my number one priority at the moment. I told this to them too. They said that I should think about the fact that I will certainly want family and kids in the future. In the future, yes, but why should it mean that I have to get a boyfriend at this instant moment? They just almost gave me the impression that I should get a boyfriend with whatever costs. It doesn't seem to apparently matter if I actually love him or not, if I feel attached to him or not, the main point is just to have a boyfriend. Because not having one, being like me, is just unnatural.

So.. they want me to get a boyfriend. To me they gave an impression that I'm some sort of a failure for not having one. And I feel like crying. Because it's not like I don't want a relationship. I do. I really much do. But I don't want a relationship for the sake of it. I want love.

Why is it so complicated?

Why can't they just understand...

None of them have no idea how many nights I spent crying when I realized that I loved that girl I talked about earlier. Because I was so upset. So upset about the fact that I loved a girl, that I had fell in love with a girl. And just how long did I pray, beg and cry that someone would take that feeling away from me. And yet no one did. And I was miserable. For a long time. But they will never know that.

And the worst part for me at the moment? I'm afraid that I will never find that boyfriend they are so much dreaming about.

Sometimes I wish I was what most people call normal or 'mainstream'.

Maybe it would be easier that way.

Too much love?

I don't know if there can be too much love or affection.
But tonight, I'm just out of words.
Absolutely out of words.

You little darling things make me cry and want to hug you so much.
I just don't know what to say.
Thank you.
Thank you so very much.
♡

Write your feelings away

I've been writing quite a bit today, as sort of "commissions" to other people. It was quite nice. Though I just still can't get over this writer's block of mine...
But, I thought I could dump these here too.

Just a cup of tea

She woke up moaning quietly. The scars from yesterday still burned on her skin, the red marks that ran on her body sting and made her make a face as she climbed out of her bed. A quick look to the mirror. She was still naked. The memories from last night made her smile, close her eyes and let her fingers run through her coffee brown hair, flash a dashing smile to her reflection before she tiptoed to the kitchen.

Empty.

All empty.

She was alone.

She didn’t want to admit that it was a light sting of disappointment in her chest that hurt. No. It was just because of the bruises. Bruises hurt. Feelings didn’t.

The tea was still hot when she poured it down to the flowery tea cup, a couple of drops sliding down the side of the cup and staining the white tablecloth – she was too tired to care. The tea. It was Lady Gray. She let out an amused snort. Of course.  The freshly baked cinnamon buns she had smelled even before she had set a foot in the kitchen. They were still warm too. It couldn’t have been long ago since the other one had left. And she massaged her temples and tried to assure herself that the little pain in her chest didn’t have anything to do with disappointment. She was used to lying to herself. But this was different. It was difficult.

After the fourth cup of tea and the fifth cinnamon bun she was crying.

Yet admitting nothing.

I still don't feel like writing bit I do anyway. I don't even know why. I'm in the middle of a maths class and should study. I don't feel like doing that either. The morning started in a sort of a misty, empty state and now it has gotten even worse. I shouldn't have looked up those results. And yet I did. Well at least I didn't burst into tears right at the spot. I'll save that for the evening.
I'm not even wearing a long sleeved shirt today. It sucks. Everything sucks right now.
At the moment there's nothing in the whole goddamn universe that would cheer me up.

What doesn't kill you makes you want to wish it did

The title describes this day way too well. It's been hell from the morning to the evening and if I thought that the English test was the worst one - oh god, I couldn't have been more wrong. I just sort of want to go to bed and sleep this all away but then again I just don't think it will help. I'm afraid of what my dreams will bring with them because I bet they don't have any nice surprises in store for me. Then again, being awake just doesn't feel good either really. Can you see my problem?

I don't really even want to talk about the exam. It was just horrible and right now I feel just so down because of it. I felt just empty and unreal after I left. I've just felt empty and unreal for the whole day. It just feels as if none of this is actually happening to me. That it must be someone else's life I'm merely watching. But no, it's mine. And yet it doesn't feel like mine at all.

I don't actually even really feel like writing now. I just can't. The words don't come out as they should and that  just increases my anxiousness. So I'll stop here for today. Just wondering why. Why, why, why, why.

" I cried every night, which was shameful
I even tried to forget you because it was so hard
But I still think about you.
I'm still so lonely...  "
» the GazettE - 七月八日

When tomorrow comes too fast

In the morning. The exams. I'm terrified.
I think I should go and try to catch some sleep but the whole idea is just making me feel sick. Well to be honest I've been feeling sick for the most of the evening. I've been crying and wanting to throw up for most of the time and this just isn't nice.
And then I suddenly feel calm again.
Just so that I could feel absolutely horrible the next second.
I just wish my body didn't respond like this to all stressful situations or things that make me nervous.

But I guess I'll go to bed now. And probably update a big rambling tomorrow after the exam.
Wish me luck.

Feelings - I'd have some spare if you want

Feelings. Such stupid, wonderful and distressingly complicated things. When everything seems to fall down, feelings are the first ones to betray you. At least that's the case with me.
I caught myself thinking about my own feelings again today. And yes, it may sound stupid and dull but actually these sort of thinking-sessions are rather good for me usually. Usually. Today it just wasn't so. I feel like my feelings are a mess - which isn't really uncommon but rather annoying to realize anyway - and at the moment they are a mess where there are some emotions that just strike out stronger than others. For a while now mine has been a great, miserable regret. And you can only imagine how it feels.
I bet I'm not the only one if I said that I wanted a button to turn my feelings off from time to time? Today they've only gotten me to feel sick most of the time - to the point where right now, just before going to bed I'm at the edge of just crying.

Paranoia has also been my friend today. But more about that some other time since I bet it'll be keeping me company for quite a while again.

And before I finish this utterly useless text I'd just like to share one more thing.
Last Friday night I fell asleep holding hands with a darling thing. And I haven't felt that happy for quite a while. Thank you for that darling. You really made me smile from the bottom of my heart.

And once again I just don't know what to do, how to sit or even how to put on that smile. For a moment I'm just totally lost.
What am I doing here again?

I don't dream

Today has felt unreal. It's probably because I didn't really sleep last night. Or couldn't sleep. Or I don't really know about that either, maybe I could have but I just didn't feel tired at all. Today I did. It felt like I was sleepwalking through the whole day. The hyper-ish phases, then the just purely laggy phases and then the phases when I just wanted to curl up next to someone and fall asleep.

I miss being in love. Or, to be more precise, I miss being loved.
I really wish there was someone for me too.

I'd be waking up, in the morning probably hating myself
And i'd be waking up, feeling satisfied but guilty as hell

Maroon5 - One More Night

Everyone wants answers but who knows the questions?

Do this, do that, decide this and decide that.Why does everything have to be so bloody complicated all the time? Why there has to be so many absolutely unnecessary things we have to do just because 'well, that's how we're supposed to do'. I hate it. I hate all this meaningless crap everyone's giving us about every possible thing imaginable. No answer is good enough and whatever you say you'll get questioned. Just let me do my own choices okay?

You told us to get in contact if we felt stressed out or anxious. I almost about to burst out laughing. Stress? Anxiousness? Yes, I've been feeling those for the past three years daily, drawn red marks on my skin and cried myself to sleep more than once. And did you notice? Thought so. So how about cutting off that bullshit. It almost annoys me. Every time adults say something like that, it annoys me. The fact is that I don't need anyone taking me by hand and telling me " it's going to be okay " or " you should try to relax " because really, if you had ever been in this situation, you would know that it's not that simple. Do you actually think I wouldn't try my best? Yeah. Because feeling nauseous and dizzy all the time and crying over grades that are perfectly fine is so much fun. As is getting anxious about every possible little thing like being late from the bus. Because that is a perfectly good reason to start crying uncontrollably and wanna jump in front of the next passing car. Yup. I love it. It's just fantastic.
Thank god it hasn't been that bad yet this year. Though last... Thursday I think it was, I did have a nice mental break down because of the English finals. I still feel like I know absolutely nothing. But today I'm feeling too tired to care about it really. I'm afraid that I've just lost all hope already.


But.. there have been good things too today. But they are difficult to remember right now when my back is just hurting like hell and the time is god-knows-what and I should definitely be sleeping. But I'm not sleeping and I don't think I will be sleeping before it's 3A.M or more. Stupid me. But I just don't feel like going to bed. At all. Because that means that tomorrow comes inevitably. And I don't want it,

Hello my dear, kill me gently

I thought I should make some sort of post to introduce myself.
I actually won't.
I'm just going to say that you read this at your own risk.
I won't promise you a happy little story because life most certainly doesn't tend to be one.